Hello there. Make yourself at home.


I Approve

Butter - Don't even try to argue with me on this one. Resistance is futile. Privately referred to as my Dark Master.

Seinfeld - The best sitcom ever made. Part of my daily waking ceremony. Co-stanza.

Synthesizers - I love knobs, beeps, and squelches. Basically these are video games for adults.

Cooking - I enjoy the ceremony very much.

Yellow - Next time you're at a traffic light, move your peeps way up to those wonderful lights up top. Bask in how temporary it is. Also, see: Butter.

Za'atar - Good on preeety much anything.  I use this all the time sprinkled on classic literature.

Coffee - Liquid gold. Slate roasts the best damn coffee around. If it weren't for coffee I wouldn't have cause to be cheery on occasion.

Millie & Alex - A dog AND a cat? Jesus you must be... full of hair. But jeez, it's worth it. Have you ever just watched a pet sleep? Best thing in the world.

Films - The perfect melting pot of all art forms.


Things I'm Decent At

Music - "I'm in a band." I know that sounds lame but it's true and I gotta be honest with you; I'm not so shabby.

Being Hilarious - I can be funny. Not sure it's coming across here, but take my word for it.

Farting - Controversial topic, I know. But mine range from big and loud to whisper sweet.

Losing Things - Try me. I'm a little like Houdini, except not super dead.

Whining - I get tired, and I don't wanna do stuff sometimes. Especially when I could be playing with my synthesizers.

Tossing the Sheets - Come over any morning and I will show you how great I removed the fitted sheet from the mattress!

Laundry - It's true. I know the water temp settings and how to put the quarters in. I know all about soaps and laundry "boosters."

Eating - I hope my metabolism doesn't crap out on me one day because I don't think I could actually change to accommodate it.


Airing of Grievances

You drive slow - I know you're just chillin, and I like doin that too, but not on the highway. You're in between me and Netflix. Die.

You Imprison People in Your Basement - You are just too perverse and repulsive to exist. My mind can't even understand. Do us all a favor.

PCs - Big and dumb. Inferior to Macs in every way.

Errands - All of the pointless minutiae that wastes precious moments of my life. Order this stuff online and move on.

Poop- Yeah I know this is popular to like, but too much of a good thing is real.

RomComs - Just. Not. Good. 

Nail Clippers - I want to like you, but you just don't hang out with me as often as you ought to.

Cleaning - Look, this CAN be cool but the amount necessary to maintain "hotel clean" is crushingly overwhelming.

You Don't Listen - What the hell am I talking to you for? I'm heading for the buffet table.

Shopping - I could buy this all online... cheaper! Why am I dragging my ass all over town when I could be slurping oysters and bubbly in my Eames Lounger?

Being Connected - I just don't want to be connected all the time, ok? It feels good to be in the moment. I feel clearer, more alert, and more human.


Tell Me More

Ah, I see you're intrigued. Consider moving in closer with these groundbreaking ways to spy on and communicate with me:

Available for work.
Interesting trades considered.


Product Styles

Product Background Color - sets the color behind the product image.

Product Overlay Color - sets the color of the overlay when product list titles are set to 'overlay.'

Products Per Row - determines the number of products shown per line on the product list.

Product List Titles - controls the position of the product title on the product list.

Product List Alignment - sets the text alignment of the product title on the product list.

Product Item Size - select an image ratio for the product photo on the product list. 

Product Image Auto Crop - determines whether product images fill the image area or fit within.

Product Gallery Size - select an image ratio for the product gallery on the product item page.

Product Gallery Auto Crop - determines whether product images fill the gallery area or fit within.

Show Product Price - shows the price on the product list page when enabled.

Show Product Item Nav - shows the 'back to shop' link on the product item page.